


Goner.

by EvilRegalsDamsel



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Blow Jobs, Cheating, F/F, Girl Penis, PREATH - Freeform, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:40:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilRegalsDamsel/pseuds/EvilRegalsDamsel
Summary: The first time Tobin Heath's eyes met Christens' she knew she was fuck*d. And when she bit her lip, she was a goner.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you can't stand cheating, please just don't read.

"When can I see you again?"

"I don't know. Christmas' in three days and Alex's family is coming over... I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could see you on a daily basis but—"

"It's okay, Tobin. I get it."

Christen tried her best not to sound bitter. She knew where she was getting herself into when she agreed on starting that... _affair_ , with the older woman. She knew Tobin was married, she knew about her daughter. She also knew the athlete wanted nothing but sex from her and she was okay with that. Really, she was.

But sometimes she just wished Tobin would spend a whole night with her. Wished she could get to be with her more than just a couple days a month. And she may or may not wished to be in Alex Morgan's place.

Not that she was ever going to say that out loud though. She was not as stupid as to let Tobin know just how hard she fell for her and just how much she wished the soccer player would feel the same about her. She sure wasn't naive as such.

She was very much aware what her place was and that Tobin Heath; the uswnt star and athlete of the year who had just turned thirty; wouldn't leave the woman she's been married to for six years (dating for ten) for a nineteen year-old college student.

"I'll be back as soon as can." Tobin's voice was so soft it made the younger woman relax instantly.

She would come back to her. She always did. And that was enough.

* * *

It all started a few months ago.

Christen and her best friend, Kelley, were on a well known bar of the center, relaxing and planning on getting wasted after a hard week of exams.

The green eyed girl was never one to get drunk. She always enjoyed a book more than a red cup. She'd always turn down any invitation to parties (unlike her best friend who wouldn't miss one), but even good straight A girls need a break every now and then.

Kelley was just finishing her second vodka red bull when she saw something that almost made her spit in her drink.

"OH MY FUCK!" The freckle faced girl whisper-yelled, staring at a group of women who had just walked into the place.

Christen put her glass down; the first one so far and it was only half empty; turning around so she could see the reason of her best friend's sudden excitement. She was expecting to see some good looking girl; which is usually what gets Kelley so excited; instead she saw a small group of older women.

They were very good looking though, Christen noticed. But they didn't seem like Kelley's type at all so she found herself wondering what her best friend saw on those women. She thought there were four of them, probably two couples seeing as they were holding hands, but when they walked past them she could see there was a fifth woman.

And the fifth woman looked their way as she passed by, and their eyes met. And damn, she was beautiful and had such an intense gaze, and the two seconds they held the stare was enough to take the young girl's breath away.

Christen was fascinated to say the least. So much she followed the dirty blonde woman with her eyes until she sat down with her friends on the very last table of that place. She was hoping the older woman would look her way and their eyes would meet again but she never did.

"Press!" Kelley's voice brought Christen back to reality.

"What?" She finally took her eyes off the stranger and sipped on her drink, acting as if nothing happened.

"What? What? Tobin fucking Heath just eye-fucked you so hard you might be pregnant right now and asking me "what"?!"

The tanned girl blushed hard at her best friend's words. "Do you know her?"

Kelley's jaw hit the floor when she realized Christen had no idea who those women were. She had to be the only person in the whole country who didn't know them even though their faces been on the news for days due to their world cup winning.

"Do I know her? Honestly, why the fuck am I friends with you? Those women are in the uswnt, they won the olympics in 2012 AND the world cup in 2015. They are freaking stars." Kelley was fangirling over the player just like teenagers fangirl over famous singers.

"So they play soccer."

The shorter girl sighed. "Yes, Christen, they play _professional_ soccer."

Now she could understand Kelley's excitement. The girl breathed soccer, she played at their university team and dreamed of making it to the nwsl and the uswnt. Those women were her idols, they were everything she wanted to be in the near future.

"You know I'm not a fan of sports in general." The brunette risked another look at the woman named Tobin as she spoke, only to find her looking back at her.

She felt weak at her knees and tingly... there. She was sure that woman could give her an orgasm just by staring at her, that's just how deep her gaze was. And Christen couldn't help but bite her bottom lip before looking away.

"That much is obvious, Chris. Just as obvious as you wetting your panties for Heath. Like seriously, it's making me uncomfortable, like you're-guys-are-having-sex-and-I'm-in-the-same-room kind of uncomfortable."

Christen rolled her eyes, ignoring the shorter girl's comment and finished her drink. She needed to focus on something so she wouldn't look Tobin's way. Again. So she focused on her strawberry vodka until it was all gone.

"Why don't you go there and ask them for a photo or something? It surprises me that you're still here."

Kelley was about to reply when a guy put himself between the two friends, his back to Kelley, smirking at Christen.

"I see your glass' empty. Can I buy you another drink?"

The girl frowned at the guy, who held that stupid smirk on his lips, and shook her head no. "I'm good, thank you." She said, wishing he would just take the hint and leave.

He didn't.

"Can I at least know your name, beautiful?" He insisted and Kelley snapped.

"Dude, she's not interested. Just get lost already."

The man turned around to face the other girl and raised his eyebrow. "You sure look like a dyke but there's no way your ass with a girl like this, so if you're not her girlfriend then just shut up and mind your own business."

He was ready to keep trying to get Christen's attention but the girl wasn't having any of it.

"Who the hell do you think you are to talk to my friend like that, you... asshole?!" She was not prone to insult people but that guy deserved it. "I'm not interested, I wouldn't be interested even if you were the last man alive. Just leave."

"Oh, you're a feisty one. I like it." He smirked again and it made Christen sick. "C'mon babe, just—"

Before he could finished the sentence, a woman appeared in front of him, blocking his view. He didn't see her coming, it was like she came out of nowhere and by the look on her face, she was not pleased at all.

"The young lady said she's not interested, buddy. You gotta know how to take a no for an answer and leave instead of making a fool of yourself."

That calm and husky voice sent shivers down Christen's spine. She knew who that woman was even though she wasn't facing her, she knew it was Tobin. And she couldn't believe the older woman was standing out for her, a stranger.

"What's with the bodyguards? I was just trying to... wait, I know you. You're Tobin Heath!" His voice changed from annoyed to excited when he realize just who was the woman standing in front of him.

"Also known as the one who's gonna kick your ass if you keep bothering these girls." Her voice was still calm but threatening.

"Relax, man. I'm leaving. Wouldn't risk to get punched by a professional athlete, I'm not that stupid."

Kelley laughed sarcastically at that and the guy looked her way but said nothing and just left to join his friends at their table.

Once he was gone, Kelley couldn't contain the fangirl inside her. Tobin Heath was right there in front of her, only a few inches away. She wanted to hug her so bad but she tried to keep her cool, last thing she wanted was to act like a freak in front of one of her idols.

"You're the shit! I love you!" So much for keeping her cool...

Tobin just smiled at the younger woman. She was used to girls who would just come to her and say they loved her, it was nothing new to her.

"Thank you."

Tobin was about to turn around, so she could talk to the green eyed girl who caught her attention since she walked into the place. She was dying to see her face up close, and those eyes... God, she was overwhelmed by those beautiful shinning eyes.

And she knew it was so wrong. So wrong to be staring at a girl who shouldn't be older than eighteen or nineteen years old. So wrong to lust over said girl when she was married. Happily so... right?

Kelley introduced herself to the older woman and asked for a selfie with her, before she had a chance to turn around. Tobin agreed on taking a photo with the shorter girl and stood by her side while Kelley took out her iphone. Just then Tobin realized the brunette girl wasn't there anymore and she looked around the place, trying to spot her.

"Ready?" Kelley asked, placing the phone in front of their faces.

"Oh, yes..." The dirty blonde smiled for the picture.

After the photo was taken, Kelley started talking about the national team last games and asking her questions. Tobin could tell that girl was a real fan and took it upon herself to introduce her to the rest of them. She knew she was dying to and, besides, that way she could go find the green eyed beauty.

She didn't even know her name...

Kelley smiled like a kid at a candy store when the midfielder invited her over their table. She was about to meet Ashlyn Harris, Ali Krieger, Hope Solo and Carli fucking Lloyd. She couldn't believe her luck.

Tobin excused herself from the group after introducing the young woman to them. She thought that maybe the other girl was in the bathroom but she was sure if that was the case, she would be back by now. So she decided to look outside. Maybe she needed a break after that little incident.

The midfielder smiled when she comproved she was right and found the young girl sitting on a nearby bench, outside the bar and started making her way to her. The girl looked so innocent with both hands between her thighs, staring at the ground and rocking back and forth softly that Tobin felt guilty... well, guiltier, for the way she basically eye-fucked her back in the bar.

Since when did she go after _kids_ anyway? When did she become _that_ kind of person? She had a wonderful wife waiting for her at home, a wife that certainly didn't deserve that. She stopped in her tracks at the tought.

And she was about to go back inside and stop this nonsense, she swears, but then the _kid_ raised her head and their eyes met again. The younger woman smiled shyly at her and there was no going back. She was fucked.

"Hi." Christen said, sitting straight on the bench.

"Hi." Tobin found herself taking a few more steps towards the girl, as if she was a magnet. "I'm Tobin."

"Christen."

Christen extended her hand for a handshake and as soon as their hands touched, both women felt electricity running through their bodies. And after the handshacking was done, none of them let go of the other one's hand.

"Thank you for what you did in there. I really appreciate it."

Christen was staring right into her eyes with a soft smile on her lips. Tobin shrugged if off and said it was nothing. Then Christen bit her lip again and Tobin was a goner.


	2. Chapter 2

Christen looked even younger when she was asleep, Tobin noticed.

Without the short tight dress and make-up she was wearing just a few hours ago, the girl didn't look older than seventeen. And if it wasn't for all those college textbooks around the apartment, the midfielder might had freaked out.

She had mixed feelings about the whole situation. She cheated on the woman she loved and she was feeling like shit for that. But on the other hand, she had had one of the best nights of her life in a long, long time. She wanted to punch herself in the face for being unfaithful to Alex but she also wanted to repeat the night she had with Christen as soon as she could.

She wasn't like that. She wasn't the kind of person who cheats on her wife or who sleeps with a stranger, for the matter. And she had had lots of opportunities through the years. She has a lot of fans, a lot of women who would kill to spend a night with her; and okay she wasn't blind, some of them were really fine; but she never so much as thought about doing anything with them.

She never thought she would want anyone but Alex but then Christen came along with her gorgeous eyes and million dollar smile. There was something about this girl, something that made role model Tobin Heath forget her ideals. Something that made the older woman sit there, watching her sleep instead of going home to her wife.

She tried to tell herself that the only reason why she was still there was because it would be rude to leave without saying goodbye. But the truth is she wasn't sure she wanted to say goodbye at all. Touching and kissing the soft skin of the olive skinned girl's nude back sounded much more appealing than leaving.

The thought got her mind running wild, remembering the great sex they just had.

* * *

"Christen, wait... I can't do this. I can't..." They were inside her car, kissing like there was no tomorrow and despite what she just said, her hand was still grabbing on the girl's tiny waist.

Ever the gentlewoman, Tobin offered her a ride home since Kelley was too engrossed in a conversation with the midfielder's teammates to leave. And it was an innocent ride, filled with small talk and bad dad jokes, until they got there and Tobin stopped the car. It was all good until their eyes met again. And their lips met next.

Christen tasted sweeter than she could have ever imagined and she allowed herself to get lost in the kiss. An experimental kiss that soon became a heated one. It was new and exciting and Tobin couldn't get enough. She spent the last ten years kissing the same woman everyday and to have another pair of lips glued to hers was just... thrilling. And as Christens' tongue battled hers, she forgot about Alex, she forgot she was a public figure, she forgot they were inside a car on a busy street. Until she remembered. And as much as she wanted to keep kissing those sinfully sweet lips, she had to pull away.

"Shh, it's okay." The young woman's voice came out as a whisper, her warm hand caressing the athlete's cheek.

"I can't do this... I'm married."

Christen nodded slowly. "I know, that ring on your finger is kinda hard to miss."

The mention of said ring made Tobin look at it and think about her wife, finally letting go of Christens' waist. The brunette took the hint and pulled away as well, clearing her throat.

"Thanks for the ride, Tobin." She turned around to open the door and leave the car but before she could even reach the handle, she felt a soft yet firm tug at her arm that made her face the older woman only to be surprised by full lips kissing her again.

This time, the kiss was much more intense and it made Christen moan into her mouth and that moan sent shivers down Tobin's spine and made her dick hardden a little. And even though she knew she should have let Christen leave the car, she was already addicted to her kisses.

There was no going back.

They devoured each other lips, wandering hands freely exploring the other's body. Caressing, grabbing, pulling closer. At some point, Christen ended up on Tobin's lap, straddling the midfielder. She pulled at the older woman's dirty blonde hair as they made out like horny teenagers and it was Tobin's turn to moan. Her hands were in Christen's ass and her dick was now fully erect. The skinny jeans she was wearing was now feeling a lot tighter and all she wanted was to take if off, almost as much as she wanted to rip Christen's dress off her body.

"We should go somewhere else." She breathed, finally stopping the kiss.

Christen nodded, running a hand through her own hair and taking a long and much needed breath. "Let's go up to my apartment."

Fortunately, Christen lived in her own apartment and not a shared one or a dorm room like most college students. She needed her privacy and most importantly, she needed silence to study. The girl was born into a wealthy family and her parents were very proud of her, so much they bought her her own apartment when she started college. And although they paid for well... pretty much everything really, she still had a party time job at a coffee shop. She liked to earn her own money for personal stuff, even though her parents told her it was nonsense and she should focus on nothing but her studies.

The pair made their way into the big building and into the elevator. Once they were inside, Tobin lifted the younger woman and pinned her against the wall. The brunette wrapped her legs around the strong woman's body and they kissed again. Christen could feel how damp and sticky her thong was and she couldn't wait to be naked and to have that marvelous woman inside her. As soon as the doors were open, Tobin carried the girl out of the elevator, asking for directions so she knew which way to turn. She prayed nobody would see them, not only because they could recognize her but also because of her very noticeable boner. She stopped once they got there, pinning the brunette against the door and kissing her one more time.

"Give me the keys."

Christen put the keys out of her dress' pocket and gave them to Tobin so the taller woman could open the door. It was kind of a miracle she hadn't lost the keys along the way since her dress had ridden up quite a lot, her thighs completly exposed.

Tobin opened the door while Christen kissed all over her neck and stepped inside, pulling the key out of the lock and closing the door with her foot before putting the key into the inside lock.

"Where to?" She asked, looking around the apartment, noticing it was quite big for a college student.

"Straight on, first door to the left." Although she was so turned on, they could have fucked right there for all she cared.

The soccer player walked through the hall, carrying the horny girl to her bedroom. She sat down on Christen's bed and let the brunette straddle her once again and the young woman didn't waste time and started grinding on the athlete, moaning at the delicious feeling of Tobin's hard on against her wet pussy.

"You're so beautiful."

Christen was taken aback by the sudden compliment. And even more so after seeing pictures of the midfielder's wife when she googled Tobin back in the pub. The blue eyed woman was simply gorgeous, Christen had nothing on her and yet there was her wife telling her how beautiful she is.

"Thank you." She was sure she was blushing a little and looked away so the other woman wouldn't notice it. She was sure it was a turn off because, honestly, was she fourteen to blush over being called pretty?

When she looked away, Tobin realized Christen had no idea just how beautiful she was. How could she not see it was beyond her understanding.

"So, so beautiful." Not wanting to embarrass the girl any further, she just kissed her again resuming their heated make out session.

Christen immediately got back in the mood and took off Tobin's long tee, not wanting to wait any longer to see her fit body. And damn, was she fit! The brunette found herself staring at her toned abs and licking her lips. She was so zoned out she didn't hear what Tobin said next.

"Christen?"

"What?" She felt like a deer caught in headlights when she heard the dirty blonde's soft laugh.

"I asked if I can take off your dress."

The young woman nodded and was about to take it off herself when Tobin stopped her. "Please, allow me."

Then she felt Tobin's long fingers riding up her dress higher and higher, exposing the tanned body. To say Christen's body was perfect would be an understatement. Tobin was completely mesmerized. The olive skin seemed to shine even under the dim bedroom light, she was thin but not too skinny, her breasts; covered in a lacy black bra; were the perfect size and that tiny thong had Tobin's mind and heart racing.

The athlete didn't remember the last time she had been this hard. She threw the dress to the floor and opened the button and zipper of her jeans, pushing it down her legs and sighing in relief. Then she kicked the Jordans off her feet and Christen helped her to get rid of her jeans, trying not to zone out again while staring at the big bulge on the midfielder's boxers.

They were both impossibly turned on and made short work of taking off their underwear. Tobin was indeed very well endowed. Her dick was not only big but also thick, cut and straight as a ruler. Christen fell fast in love with it and wasted no time in grabbing the hard meat. She slowly moved her hand up and down; using the precum as lube; causing Tobin to close her eyes and moan thanks to the much needed attention.

And Tobin was perfectly happy with that handjob but she sure as hell was much happier when she felt a wet tongue licking up the bottom of her shaft to the angry red head. When she opened up her eyes, she found Christen on her knees between her legs, staring at her with big innocent eyes whilst sucking on the head of her dick.

"Fuck!" She breathed as the young woman took more of her cock inside her mouth.

Christen was so turned on her pussy hurt and the more turned on she got, the harder she would suck on the older woman's shaft. The girl clenched her thighs together, trying to get some kind of relief but it wasn't enough. She wouldn't be satisfied until she had the throbbing cock deep inside her pussy.

By now she was sucking the dirty blonde like her life depended on it, licking the underside and clenching her throat around the head everytime she managed to deepthroat her. Tobin was amazed by the girl's ability to deepthroat her, not to brag but she knew how big she was. In ten years of relationship, Alex could never handle more than half of her cock (not that she would give her head often, she never enjoyed giving blowjobs but still).

Christen would only stop to collect the saliva that filled her mouth and escaped through the corner of her lips and then she would be back to sucking, never breaking the eye contact with the athlete. Tobin would pull at her hair every now and then, so softly the younger woman would barely feel it, like she just needed something to do with her hands.

And when the midfielder felt she wouldn't last much longer, she made her stop by pulling a little harder. She didn't want to come just yet, she needed to fuck Christen. Badly.

"Please, tell me you have a condom on your night stand." She hoped Christen had one because she didn't. She wasn't planning on getting laid while out, after all.

The girl stood up, shaking her head no. "I don't have any but I'm on the pill, it should be safe, right?"

Tobin nodded and patted her thighs, silently asking Christen to sit on her lap again. She knew for sure it was safe, Alex had been using it since they had their daughter and never got pregnant again.

"You didn't miss a pill or took other medications recently, did you?" She asked when Christen sat on her lap and the girl shook her head no. "It's safe then."

Christen never forgot to take the pill and she wasn't worried about STDs since Tobin was a professional athlete and she knew they were checked up constantly, so why not?

She started rubbing herself on Tobin, feeling her hard dick sliding through her wet folds and touching her sensitive clit. She couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't wait any longer. Reaching down, she gripped the hard cock by the base and positioned the head at her entrance.

She slowly lowered herself on the it, until it was all in. Both women moaned loudly at the feeling. Tobin had a tight grip on the girl's waist and Christen used the athlete's strong shoulders for balance. After just a few seconds to adjust to Tobin's size, she started riding her dick. She started out slow, testing the waters, but soon she was riding the older woman like she meant it. Tobin was stretching her so good, she was positive she had never ever been this filled before and she knew she would be sore in the morning but she couldn't care less. The dirty blonde's hands were now on her butt, gripping her butt cheeks roughly and helping her up and down her cock.

They were both sweating by now, the room smelled like sex and the sound of moans, heavy breathing and wet flesh on wet flesh filled those four walls. Tobin was suddenly very interested on her breasts, maybe because they were constantly bouncing in front of her face. The midfielder lapped one of her hard nipples and then sucked, causing Christen to close her eyes and throw her head back in pleasure. The athlete did the same thing with the other nipple, leaving them wet and hard and then; without a word; she got up and carried the younger woman's to the nearliest wall. Christen was starting to realize the woman had a thing for pinning her against the walls, not that she was complaining.

The soccer player gripped the back of her thighs, not letting her dick slip out her pussy and once she had the student pinned against the wall, she started fucking her fast and hard. At this point, all Christen could do was hold onto the taller girl for support, close her eyes and enjoy the ride. There was something about Tobin carrying and pinning her around like a raging doll that she found extremely hot and exciting.

"Open your eyes, pretty girl. I want you to look at me when I fuck you." Tobin's voice came out so dominant, Christen had no choice but to obey. "That's it, there's my pretty girl." She praised the brunette, kissing her face a few times before kissing her hard.

Christen was trying to keep her eyes open the best she could but it was getting harder and harder. Tobin was fucking her so good, sticking her dick as far as it would go and doing that thing with her hips that drove the girl crazy.

"Tobin, I'm gonna cum..." She whimpered, closing her eyes just for a second.

"It's okay, cum for me, baby girl." The older woman whispered on Christen's ear.

The athlete's hot breath on her ear, her deep-lust-filled voice and the way she called her 'baby girl' sent the smaller woman over the edge. She shut her eyes tight and moaned Tobin's name, clenching hard around the hard cock inside her and digging her nails into her shoulders. It was such a hot sight and enough for the midfielder to come as well. She shoved her face on the curve of Christen's neck, breathing in her fading perfume and emptied herself inside the girl. She came so hard and so much, she felt weak at her knees and had to take the brunette back to bed before they fell to the floor. It was the best orgasm she had had in a long time; if not ever.

She was still inside her when they laid in bed, catching their breaths. She pulled out slowly and they just laid there for a few minutes in a comfortable silence. Tobin was thinking about what she should say next, she couldn't just get up and leave. She also couldn't say something like 'Thanks for the fuck, I hope you enjoyed yourself, bye'. She would never do that.

But she was married. _Happily_ married. A one night stand is all it would be. She just needed to let this girl down easy. It shouldn't be that hard, Christen probably just wanted a night of sex as well. She was nineteen after all, a college student, what would she want from a thirty year-old other than one night? A married thirty year old. A _happily_ married thirty year-old.

Because that's what she was; a very _happily_ married woman.

Thing is, no matter how many times she repeated those words in her head, it still didn't sound right. Didn't sound true...

She left a note for Christen that night, saying sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. She also wrote down her number and told her to (please) call her, if she ever wanted to.

And she did. And from that day on, they never stopped calling each other. Seeing each other, fucking each other... loving each other? She knew she did. And she didn't know how much longer she could keep this secret.


	3. Chapter 3

Holiday season had come and gone.

And although Christen had a good time with her family at home, she was dying to see Tobin again. They didn't talk much that week since the midfielder's in laws were over, it was too risky to text as much as they used too and a few calls had to do. But if the hours they spent together weren't enough, leave alone a couple phone calls. It was frustrating to say the least. Had she not been so in love with the older woman, she would probably give that girl her parents tried to set her up with a chance. A lovely and _single_ girl her age, how easy would it be.

She tried. The two of them shared a few kisses in her childhood bedroom on her 20th birthday. And even though Julie was beautiful and an extremely good person—and a skilled kisser as well—, the only reason she kissed her in the first place was because she missed Tobin dearly and was feeling vulnerable and lonely. She might had been a little drunk as well. Julie, being the cinnamon roll she is, understood perfectly when the brunette told her she'd rather be just friends.

Tobin didn't seem to remember her birthday but it didn't affect her. Or maybe it did because when the older woman called her at 11pm, she didn't pick up the phone. Nor did she reply the dirty blonde's texts asking her why she didn't answer her calls and if she was okay, but never wishing her a happy birthday.

She cried herself to sleep that night.

Now she was back, working her daily shift at the coffee shop and although they have had a few conversations over the phone by now, she was yet to see Tobin. She could only hope it wouldn't be long until then seeing as she was already going crazy without her kisses and her touches. And her smile and the way she would hold her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear after they had sex. And—

"Hi!" She didn't realize she was daydreaming until a happy childish voice brought her back to reality.

She looked at the little girl standing in front of her on the other side of the counter, smiling widely at her, and smiled back. The child looked four, five tops, she had a wavy light brown hair and hazel eyes. She was a beautiful kid, no doubt. Christen was about to ask the little girl where her parents were when a woman walked into the place. And the brunette froze instantly.

Tobin's wife had just walked into her working place.

The blue-eyed woman picked the little girl up, giving her a lecture for not waiting. Christen barely heard to any of it though, she felt completely off at that moment, not believing the situation she was in. It couldn't be a coincidence, right? Out of all the coffee shops in town, she had to pick this one. But there was no way the older woman knew who she was, right? Wrong. Why would she be there if she didn't know exactly who she was?

Christen's palms were starting to get sweaty and she was sure her heart never beat so fast before. It felt like time was frozen and everything was happening in slow motion. The younger woman could picture a hundred different scenarios per second. Alex calling her a slut, threatening her, even beating her up. It didn't seem realistic though since her daughter—because that little girl was clearly her and Tobin's daughter—was right there in her arms. She sure wouldn't do anything not G rated in front of the kid.

After what felt like years, the woman finally looked at her. She had a sweet smile on her lips, and damn she was even more beautiful in person. She was standing there in all her beauty, perfectly dressed in designer clothes, long and flawless light brown hair that stopped almost at the middle of her back, make-up on point, showing her perfectly aligned and white teeth. She looked like a goddess and Christen felt small. Really small.

"Hi." She said softly, waiting for Christen's reply.

"H-Hi. What can I get you?" She tried to smile, trying her best to hide how nervous she was and treat the woman like any other customer but it was easier said than done.

"I'll have an iced latte and," The woman turned to her daughter to ask the child what she wanted. The little girl all but yelled 'hot cocoa' followed by a giggle and Christen would have smiled at how cute she was if she wasn't about to have a heart attack. "and a hot cocoa" Alex finished her order.

The brunette waitress just nodded, knowing the lump in her throat wouldn't let her pronounce any words and started making the order. Everything seemed pretty ordinary so far. There wasn't any signal the older woman was there for more than a cup of coffee and yet, Christen couldn't bring herself to calm down. Like she was just waiting for the moment Alex would say something that would prove she knew what was going on between her wife and the girl.

And that moment came.

"I feel like I should get something for my wife, as well." Upon hearing these words, Christen was frozen once again. "She usually likes her coffee black but lately she's been... trying new flavors. I suppose one gets bored after drinking the same thing every day for so long and new flavors are always appealing, right?"

If Christen had been eating or drinking something at that moment, she sure would have choked on it. She thanked God she had her back to the older woman. Alex knew what was going on and she wanted Christen to know that.

Silence fell upon the place. The student didn't say anything, she knew she didn't need to, she knew Alex wasn't waiting for an answer. So she finished the order in automatic mode, wishing for that uncomfortable moment to end as soon as possible. Eventually, she had to turn around and face the other woman again to hand her the drinks. Alex was looking right into her eyes and Christen could swear they were watery. It looked like the taller woman was about to cry but she smiled instead.

"I guess I'll let her decide by herself." She said, her voice so sad it broke the younger woman's heart. "Thank you, I hope you have a good day." After paying, the blue-eyed woman grabbed the drinks and left the place.

And Christen realized two things:

One: That woman loved Tobin madly, so much she was willing to stay with her even though she cheated. So much she was dying for the midfielder to 'pick her' even though she should be the one not wanting her anymore. God, she basically begged Christen to get out of the way so her wife wouldn't leave her with that little speech of hers.

Two: She was a homewrecker.

* * *

It was half past eight when Tobin showed up at Christen's apartment. The soccer player missed the girl so much it physically hurt, the pain in her chest growing stronger with each passing day. Christmas had been hell, sure it was nice spending so much time with her daughter but it was about the only positive thing about it. Something was off with Alex but she wouldn't tell her what, every time Tobin would ask her what was wrong, her wife would fake a smile and tell her everything was ok. And her wife's parents were not bad people but they were very nosy. And Tobin hated nosy people. Sometimes she had to leave the house and go to the closest pitch to take her frustration out on a ball.

It didn't help that Christen wouldn't pick up the phone or answer her texts. And when she did answer, it seemed like she didn't really wanted to talk to her. And it felt even worse than dealing with Alex's parents. She would go paranoid trying to guess what was going on. She would think that maybe Christen had found someone, someone who was free to love her openly. Someone who could give her what she couldn't. The thought alone drove her insane. She couldn't handle the thought of someone else kissing and touching **her** Christen. She couldn't stand the thought of losing the younger woman.

She pressed the doorbell once again, the third time so far, growing impatient. She knew the girl was home because the lights were on, so why wouldn't she open the door? They talked that morning and everything was fine, Christen seemed excited to see her. What could possibly have changed in a few hours?

"Christen!" She yelled, ringing the bell once again. She didn't even care if the brunette's neighbors heard her.

This time, she heard footsteps from inside and then the door was open. First thing she focused on was the fact the brunette was wearing one of her t-shirts and how good it looked on her. The second, was the dead serious look on her face. Tobin was at a momentary loss. She expected Christen to greet her with that breathtaking smile of hers and throw herself into her arms or to; at the very least; be happy to see her. But she didn't look happy at all and the miedfielder's blood started running cold.

"Chris... what's wrong?" She took a few steps closer and flinched when the brunette took a couple steps back. "Christen..."

She could see the sad look in her eyes and how the girl tried to cover it with a hard expression in her face, crossing her arms over her chest to stop the older woman from holding her. Tobin had no idea what was going on but she didn't like it one bit.

"Chris, baby, what's wrong?" The athlete closed the door and tried to get closer but the brunette took three more steps back and Tobin groaned in frustration. "Christen, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?"

And before the younger woman could take any more steps back, the dirty blonde closed the gap between them and held her tightly. Christen didn't hold her back, her arms stayed crossed and when the older woman tried to kiss her, she turned her head. Tobin wanted to scream, the rejection hurt more than a kick in the balls.

"Tobin, move, please." Christen's request made her realize she was still holding the girl.

"Really? The first thing you're saying to me after almost two weeks apart is for me to move?" Her voice came out harsher than she planned and she still didn't let go. If anything she held her even tighter.

Christen could see tears forming in Tobin's eyes and it took everything in her to stay strong and not hold the older woman back or kiss her. She was dying to kiss her, she was literally aching to feel those full lips on hers but she had made her mind and she couldn't go back now. That afternoon's events really got to her. Seeing Tobin's wife so broken, seeing the precious kid they had. She wasn't stupid, she knew Alex wanted just that. She wanted Christen to feel bad about ruining her family and she sure as hell did. How could she _not_?

"Tobin..." What she said after that hurt her more than it hurt Tobin. But it was necessary. "I don't want you to hold me. I don't want you near me. Please, move."

The look on the taller woman's face couldn't be described as broken because it wouldn't make it justice. It was way beyond it. Tears started rolling down her face as she finally let go of the green-eyed woman and took a few steps back. It felt like somebody shot her right in the heart, like she was literally going to die in that moment. And Christen, well, she had to look away so she could stay in character. It hurt like fucking hell but once it was done, Tobin would get over it. She had her wife to help get better, after all.

"Why are you doing this?" Tobin's voice was small and fragile. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Christen bit her lip hard and took a deep breath, trying to keep her own tears at bay. It was going to be harder than she expected. In all honesty, she didn't think Tobin would react like this. She didn't expect the older woman to care so much, she sure didn't expect her to cry. That wasn't the reaction of someone who only wanted sex from her. It looked like she... actually loved her.

"I can't..." She swallowed, trying to get rid of the big lump on her throat. "I can't do this anymore, Tobin."

Tobin shook her head several times, like she wasn't believing her ears. "Are you breaking up with me?"

The green-eyed woman let out an humorless laugh, her sadness turning into anger. "I can't _break up_ with you because we're not _together_ , Tobin. You're married to someone else." And before the miedfielder could say anything, she continued. "And besides... I met someone."

Tobin's shattered face rapidly turned into an furious one. The woman closed her fists, like she was ready to punch someone. Christen wasn't afraid, she knew Tobin would never hurt her but it was kind of scary to see the older woman like that. Her eyes were shinning with a fire she had never seen before, jaw clenched tight, body shaking with anger.

"So this is what all this about? You're leaving me because you're with somebody else?" Her cold and harsh voice echoed through the room. "And when, pray tell, did you meet this someone? Because just this morning you seemed pretty fucking happy about seeing me tonight!" She yelled, making Christen jump a little.

"Stop yelling." She asked, before continuing. "I met her a few days ago. We spent my birthday together and we've been seeing each other since then." She made sure to emphasize the word 'birthday'.

Tobin sighed deeply, shaking her head and relaxing her muscles a little bit. Of course she would forget the girl's birthday and make her feel unwanted, leading her to look for attention somewhere else. Now she was starting to understand the whole situation. It sure wasn't only about her birthday. Tobin couldn't give her all the attention she wanted and deserved and this other someone obviously could.

"Fuck... Baby, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. I don't have the best of memories but it doesn't mean I don't care. I care so much about you, Christen. I would have loved to spend your birthday with you. I just—"

"You're just _married_." She cut the older woman off. "You can't always see me, you can't always call me. I know that, Tobin. I knew that from the very first night. I'm not asking you to, okay?"

The dirty blonde nodded furiously, getting angry again. She had so many mixed feelings, her head was starting to hurt and also her body. She felt angry, sad, guilty, betrayed, all at the same time. She couldn't think straight, not when the woman she loved was ending things between them.

"This girl you're seeing, is she here now? Is that why it took you so long to open the door?" And before Christen could even open her mouth, the athlete was walking to her bedroom, hoping to find the other woman there.

"Tobin, there's nobody else in here." The younger woman sighed.

She waited for Tobin to come back to the hall but she never did, so she met her in the bedroom. She found the midfielder sitting in the bed, head between her hands, crying her eyes out. That roller coaster of emotions were making her feel weak and she wasn't sure she would be able to keep her façade much longer.

"Tobin, plase, don't cry." She tried to touch the other woman's shoulder but this time, it was Tobin who pulled away.

"What do you want me to do? Laugh? I feel like my heart's been pulled outta my chest, Christen! That's how I'm feeling right now, so don't tell me to stop crying!" She yelled, louder than last time. Then she stood up, facing the brunette. "You know what's funny? You say that you found someone else and don't want me anymore and yet you're wearing my fucking shirt. How coherent of you."

Only then Christen took into her outfit, having totally forgot she was dressed in one of Tobin's t-shirt. The shirt she always wore when she needed to feel closer to the soccer player. And now that same tee was giving her away. "It was the first thing I saw, I was undressed when you—"

"Bullshit! You don't wear the clothes of someone you don't want into your life anymore, Christen. That's fucking bullshit!" And just like that, the woman punched the wall with all her strength, leaving a hole on it.

"Tobin! Are you fucking crazy?" Now it was Christen's turn to yell, startled by the older woman's actions.

"You make me crazy! Can't you see I fucking love you?!" The words, yelled with so much passion, made Christen's heart race and her mouth go dry.

Christen couldn't find her words. Tobin had just said she loved her. Not 'I like you', not 'I care about you', but 'I love you'. And the younger one didn't know what to do anymore. She wasn't sure she could continue with her plan after that, she wasn't sure she wanted to. She wanted to be selfish for once and tell Tobin to leave her wife and be with her, she wanted to tell her she wanted the other woman all to herself. Because, Goddamnit, she deserved it! She deserved to have the woman she loved and be happy. But then she remembered her encounter with Alex, remembered the tears in her eyes and how bad she felt when she realized she would destroy a family if she continued her... _affair_ with the older woman. Damn, why couldn't the blue-eyed woman be a bitch? It would be so much easier that way, she wouldn't feel bad for "stealing" her wife. But no, the woman had to be a sweetheart. But of course she would be a good person, Tobin wouldn't have been with her for ten years if she wasn't.

Ten years. That's a whole lot of time. And although Christen didn't doubt the midfielder had feelings for her, she knew the athlete had to love her wife as well. Being realistic, she probably loved the blue-eyed woman in a way she could never love Christen or any other woman. She was her first (and only until now) love and the mother of her daughter, after all. She would always be a part of her life, one way or another.

"Tobin... I think you should leave." She was staring at the ground when she said that, because she didn't find the strength to look into Tobin's eyes.

"Are you serious right now?" Tobin pulled the girl closer, holding her chin and making her face her. "Christen, I just said I love you. I _love_ you." She repeated, looking straight into her green eyes.

And even though Christen's whole body turned to jelly after hearing those words; the words she longed to hear for months now; her decision was made. She didn't care how much it hurt, time would probably cure her. Tobin and Alex would eventually save their marriage and their daughter wouldn't have to go through a hard time and they would go back to be a happy family again. She was sure it wouldn't end up well if she decided to continue that 'relationship' anyway. She was sure Tobin wouldn't leave her wife any time soon and it would be just like any other love affair where the married part keeps the other part hanging on for God knows how long until they decide family comes first and end things.

Christen didn't want that. She deserved better than that.

"Just leave. Please." She asked again, her voice colder than before.

Tobin just stared at her for a few seconds, silently hoping the younger woman would change her mind and kiss her and tell her she loved her back. But it didn't happen. She nodded a few times and sighed in defeat.

"You know, this whole time we've been together I worried myself to death about you falling in love with me because last thing I wanted was to hurt your feelings. Until I realized I was the one who had fallen for you. I guess the joke's on me, huh?" She said sadly and then, she just left.

And as soon as she heard the door being slammed, Christen laid down on her bed, hugging herself and crying like she never cried before.

* * *

First thing Tobin did when she got home was going to the backyard and taking off her clothes, leaving only her boxers on. Then she dived into the pool, letting the cold water cool down her heated body. She always did that when she was mad, it didn't matter if it was summer or winter. She swam for a while, it helped her get rid of the adrenalin her contained anger created.

"You need to stop doing this, Tobin. You're going to get a cold." Alex's voice made the older woman look her away, finding the blue-eyed woman standing holding a robe.

"Come on, get out of there."

The athlete did as she was told and made her way to her wife, who put the robe around her shoulders. She dressed the warm item of clothing and thanked her.

"Tough day?" The younger woman asked, caressing her wife's cheek with her thumb.

"You could say that." She answered, hoping the other woman wouldn't make any questions about it. And fortunately, she didn't.

"Let me make it all better." She didn't stop her wife from kissing her. In fact, she kissed her back. "I love you" was whispered into her mouth as they kissed. Those were the words she wanted to hear that night, but that wasn't the woman she wanted to say them.

That was the woman who deserved to hear an 'I love you too' back, though. The woman who spent ten years of her life loving and supporting her through thick and thin. The woman who never gave up no matter how much she messed up. The woman who always made her feel a better person than she really was. And she was a piece of shit for cheating on her.

"I love you too, Alex." Because she did. She loved Alex more than anyone or anything.

She just wasn't _in_ love with her anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One (maybe two) more chapters to go.

Kelley was worried sick about her best friend. 

Christen didn't seem like herself lately. The green eyed brunette had been partying more than Kelley herself, getting wasted every other night. Then she would look like a zombie all day and wouldn't talk to anyone, not to her, not to her friends back home, not even to her sisters. Tyler had called her a few days ago asking if she knew what was going on with her sister but Kelley couldn't give her an answer since she didn't know herself. 

She noticed the girl had lost weight and she could tell she hadn't been eating. She was starting to look unhealthy skinny, she also looked sad all the time and as much as Kelley wanted to help her it was hard to do so since she wouldn't leave the apartment (nor would she open the door). She had even quit her job at the coffee shop for no reason at all. Something was terribly wrong with the girl and Kelley was going to find out what. 

She waited at Christen's door that afternoon, she was not sure when her friend would get there but she was willing to wait. And she waited and waited and waited some more. Christen got there two and a half hours later, looking tired as usual. The taller girl all but ignored her friend's presence and walked past her to open the door. 

"Chris... Come on, don't do this. Please, let me help you." Kelley touched her best friend's shoulder, trying to get her to look at her but she got no response from the girl. "Christen-"

"I don't need help, I need to be alone. Just leave and mind your own business." The green eyed girl's voice sounded so cold, so bitter and so unlike her it left the smaller girl speechless. 

When she was about to slam the door in her face, Kelley shoved her foot in so she couldn't close it. She had had enough of Christen's bullshit. She had missed soccer practice just so she could talk to her. She had missed lunch as well, she was starved and tired and not willing to deal with her bratty attitute. 

"I've been standing here like a fucking idiot for more than two hours waiting for your ass to show up. I missed soccer, I missed lunch, I'm hungry as hell and I'm not in the mood for this." She pushed the door open, thinking Christen would try to close it in her face again but the taller girl just gave up and walked inside the apartment. 

Kelley wrinkled her nose as soon as she stepped inside, closing the door after her. "Dude, what died in here?"

It stank in there, it smelled worse than a frat house after a party. There were dirty dishes and clothes everywhere, dark stains of God knows what all over the floor and that characteristic smell of a house that hadn't been cleaned in ages. Christen was by far the cleanest person Kelley had ever known and the fact the green-eyed girl had her apartment so dirty really scared her. Whatever happened to her, it sure was something huge. 

"Chris... This isn't you. Please, tell me what happened. I'm worried sick." The smaller girl sat next to her friend on the couch, trying to get her to speak and failing miserably. "Come on, talk to me. I'm desperate here trying to break through this wall you built between you and the rest of the world and you're not helping." 

Instead of saying anything else, Kelley just hugged her friend even though the other girl didn't welcome the hug at first, she insisted until Christen finally gave in. The green-eyed girl held her tight, crying freely on her shoulder. They remained silent, the only sound that could be heard was the loud sobs that escaped the brunette's lips every now and then. Kelley knew she would have to wait until the girl calmed down for the answer she was looking for but there was no rush now that Christen was finally letting her walls down. 

* * *

"Alex..." Tobin tried for the fifth time. 

She had spent the whole day trying to talk to her wife but Alex would always cut her off, saying something about getting new curtains and repainting the living room. It was like she knew what Tobin wanted to talk about, like she knew that conversation would lead to the end of their marriage, and the older woman was pretty sure she _did_. 

The blue-eyed woman was clearly avoiding the much needed conversation because; unlike the midfielder; she wanted to keep that broken relationship going. And although it broke Tobin's heart, it needed to be done. She couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't fair to Alex or to herself for the matter. She couldn't be with Alex when all she could think about was Christen. They were both miserable, they didn't even kiss anymore because every time they did, the athlete would see the green-eyed girl's face. 

She was hurting Alex. She could only imagine how hard it should be for the younger woman to feel rejected day after day. And yet, there she was trying to save that failed marriage. She couldn't keep hurting her like that, hearing her cry the previous night made her see just how far she had gone. It made her feel even worse to know she was the reason why her wife had been crying, especially knowing she was not worth those tears.

"Have you decided what color you like better?" There she was, changing the subject. Again. 

Tobin sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Alex, please. We ne-" 

"I think that light yellow would look good, this way we can get those-"

"Alex, stop it!" She didn't mean to yell but it was the only way the woman would stop dodging the conversation. "We need to talk." She said in a much softer voice. 

Alex could feel her eyes getting watery as soon as Tobin said those words. She knew that moment would come. She thought she could save her marriage once Christen was out of the picture, she thought things would go back to the way they were before the girl came into her wife's life but she missed a _little_ _detail_ : Tobin didn't want her anymore. She wouldn't even kiss her anymore and Alex knew exactly why. 

The older woman had fallen in love with that girl. And she fell hard. It obviously wasn't just sex like Alex assumed from the very first minute she learned about their relationship. She would pretend she didn't see how Tobin would cry in silence on the backyard at night, reading their old texts or going through Christen's instagram account. She would pretend she didn't see the disappointment on her face every time her phone went off and it wasn't the girl. Or how she mumbled her name in her sleep one night. She would play dumb and try to fix things. She would try to bring _her_ Tobin back but it was useless. Her Tobin was gone. 

"I don't want to hear it, Tobin." She felt a tear ran down her cheek and cursed herself for being so weak. 

"You have to." Tobin tried to wipe away her tear but Alex took a step back. "This is hard for me too, Alex."

The younger woman let out a short humorless laugh. "How about I make it easier to you then? I know about the college girl." 

Tobin blinked a few times, her mouth getting slightly open. She wasn't expecting that. How could Alex know about her infidelity and keep it to herself? How could she still want her? How could she fight for their marriage knowing she cheated? 

"How did you-"

"How did I find out? Well, turns out I'm not as clueless as you think I am, Tobin. I knew there was something going on because you're not precisely subtle. I saw your silly smiles every time you got a text from her, I noticed the sudden change in your schedule and I could smell her perfume in your clothes." Alex stopped for a few seconds, feeling a huge lump in her throat and a few more tears filling her eyes. "So I followed you one day and I saw you picking her up from the coffee shop and taking her home. I sat in the car for hours, crying my eyes out and wondering what I did wrong. I still don't know. What did I do wrong, Tobin? What did she give you that I can't? Tell me." She was crying freely now, hugging herself. 

Tobin was crying as well. She didn't know what to say, what could she possibly say? Alex gave her everything, literally everything. It wasn't about what each of them could give her, it was all about feelings she couldn't control. She had no reasons for falling out of love with Alex, other than falling in love with Christen. And she wondered if she would still had fallen out of love with her wife if she had never met the girl. Probably not. She didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened. And it hurt her that Alex thought she did something wrong, it hurt her to see the younger woman blaming herself for the whole situation. 

"You didn't do anything wrong, Alex. It's not like I was looking for it, it just happened." 

"Oh, it just happened? So you simply couldn't keep it in your pants, is that what you mean?" Alex wiped away her tears, getting a little less sad a little more angry. 

Yes, that was exactly it. She fell in love with Christen later on but it started off as something completely sexual. She knew there was nothing she could say to make her wife feel better, there was no way she could let her down easy. She couldn't come with some 'it's not you, it's me' cheap line. 

"I'm not trying to justify myself because there's no excuse for what I've done. I can only say I'm sorry for hurting you so much." She wanted to hug the blue-eyed woman but she knew Alex wouldn't let her. 

Alex sniffed and took a deep breath. "I'm so stupid. I thought this thing between you and her was just an affair that would end at some point. I thought you still loved me and she was nothing but a distraction. I thought that if I could get her to leave you, things would be ok again but you're actually in love with that girl." 

Tobin widened her eyes after hearing that. "What do you mean? You talked to her? You told her to leave me?"

Alex's face hardened instantly. They were ending their marriage and Tobin was much more concerned about why her mistress left her. She couldn't even show some fake interest for what Alex was going through and was making it clear that Christen was all she really cared about. 

"I let her know I knew what was going on and I told her I would let you decide who you wanted. I suppose she felt guilty and backed away. Are you going to blame me for that? I was trying to save this fucking marriage because I love you. I didn't fall out of love like you did. Unfortunately."  

"You should have talked to me, Alex. Not her."

"This way she wouldn't have ended things between the two of you, right? That's all you care about." She shook her head a few times and continued. "Feel free to go after her, Tobin. Just... just leave."

"Alex, I do ca-" 

"Leave!" She yelled, her voice breaking from all the crying. "You should call your lawyer. I'm calling mine." She told her, before walking out of the room. Hurt and exhaustion getting the best of her.

* * *

"I can't believe this, Press. All of this because of some woman? Really? Come on, stop pulling a Bella and let's clean up this place." 

Christen didn't even get mad at her friend for saying that. It was just Kelley being Kelley. She didn't expect the girl to understand what she was going through, she actually knew it sounded pathetic especially when she hadn't told her said woman was married and that her wife asked her to back away in a very smooth way. She obviously didn't tell her it was Tobin Heath neither. 

"Look, I don't know what happened between you and this woman and if you're not ready to tell me then it's ok. But I do know you're better than this. You can't let it bring you down like this. Look what you're doing to yourself." 

Kelley was right. As much as it hurt, she couldn't keep letting it get to her like that. She couldn't keep drinking to forget, she couldn't keep shutting people out and hiding away from the world. But most importantly, she couldn't keep caring so little about herself. She didn't even recognize herself anymore and it was about time to stop "pulling a Bella". It wouldn't change a thing, anyway. What was done, was done.

 "Will you really help me clean? I'm positive you don't even know how." 

"Pfff, please! Kelley O'Hara is a pro at everything ever invented by humankind." The girl spread her arms as far as they'd go, looking up at the ceiling with a daydream look on her face. 

And for the first time in weeks, Christen smiled. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, I can't believe it's been almost a year! Damn... But I couldn't leave this fanfic unfinished, Preath deserves better.

Divorced life wasn’t treating Tobin well.

To say the midfielder had been drinking excessively would be an understatement. Especially since she broke her ankle and couldn’t play for the rest of the season. She had too much free time and too little to do. So she drank. Day and night. The alcohol helped her forget, it helped her forget about Christen.

She tried to stay afloat; stay sober; for her daughter. But it would only last for the two days at week the child spent with her. As soon as Alex picked the girl up from her new house, she would grab a bottle of whatever liquor and get wasted until she passed out on the couch—or on the floor.

She thought the pain would go away; she always heard that time heals everything; but not this time. Her pain only got worse and worse each passing day. Six months had passed and she was still stuck in the same place; wishing for Christen. Wishing she had done things differently, wishing she could go back in time and hug the girl and never let her go.

She tried to call Christen—several times— but she wouldn’t pick up the phone. She wanted to tell her that she was single now, that she was free to love her openly, to give her all to her. But of course Christen already knew that, it had been on every tabloid and socialité website. Christen simply didn’t care. Why would she anyway? She was dating someone else, after all. She didn’t want Tobin back then and she sure didn’t want her now. She was certainly happy with her girlfriend and Tobin was nothing but a bittersweet memory.

Tobin saw her a couple times since that night. Leaving for school, getting home, buying groceries… but Tobin didn’t approach her. Christen didn’t want to see her or talk to her and she had to respect that, even though it hurt like hell to see her and not talk to her. She ached to hug her, to kiss her, to make her understand she _literally_ couldn’t live without her.

She was so pathetic. No wonder Christen rejected her.

Alex; on the other hand; had softened a great deal since their divorce. She had been furious at first—she would ignore Tobin as much as she could and wouldn’t even look at her face whenever she dropped their daughter at her place or when Tobin picked the girl up at her old house—but after a couple months; and especially after seeing how miserable the athlete was; she started being civil around her. One couldn’t say they were friends but they were slowly getting there.

Truth is it hurt Alex to see her ex-wife like that. She loved Tobin, a part of her would always love her no matter what, and although the older woman hurt her a lot she couldn’t bring herself to have harsh feelings for her. She was learning to be happy without Tobin and she wanted the midfielder to be happy as well.

And she knew what it took for Tobin to be happy.

* * *

Alex surprised herself when she knocked on Christen’s door that evening. She was probably the last person Christen wanted to see; especially after their last and only encounter; and Alex wasn’t exactly thrilled about seeing her either but she felt like she needed to do it. She couldn’t help but feel guilty for Tobin’s misery. If she hadn’t showed up at the coffee shop that day, if she hadn’t made Christen back off, they would probably be together now. And Tobin would be happy.

So there she was, knocking on her ex-wife’s ex-lover’s door to tell her she should give Tobin a chance. How strange and how ironic it was, that she would tell Christen to go back to Tobin after asking her to leave her alone. Who would tell such thing would happen almost seven months ago?

Alex still loved Tobin. She still wished she was the one who could heal her heart, of course she did. But Tobin loved Christen, not her. And even though it hurt; because it would always hurt; she felt like she was doing the right thing. She had to act like the grown up woman she was and try to bring the light back to Tobin’s eyes; because Tobin may had hurt her but she was also the woman who gave her the best years of her life. Who gave her her daughter. And she deserved to be happy.

Christen’s green eyes widened when she saw Alex standing at her door. She stared at the taller woman, confused and unable to say anything. It felt like that day at the coffee shop all over again.

What could Alex possibly want? Christen hadn’t seen Tobin since the night she “broke up” with her. She did what Alex wanted and backed off, she did her best to pretend she didn’t want Tobin at all. She never called her after that day and she didn’t pick up her calls either. Besides, she read about their divorce, so she couldn’t imagine what Alex wanted from her if her life depended on it.

It was hard for her to not go after Tobin after knowing about her divorce. She wanted to call her and tell her how sorry she was for lying to her face. She wanted to tell her she loved her—God, she loved her so bad— and she was a fool to ever let her go. But how unfair would it be for Tobin to play with her feelings like that? To go crawling back to her, proclaiming her undying love, after being so mean to her. After making her believe that was someone else… She made her decision that night and now she couldn’t go back on it just because Tobin wasn’t married anymore.

“Hello, Christen.” Alex said, when she realised the girl wouldn’t say anything. “I know I’m probably the last person you expected to see. Trust me, I still can’t believe I’m here myself.”

Christen just continued to stare at the older woman with confused and curious eyes, feeling stupid for not saying anything. Alex had that effect on her, she couldn’t help it. She was so… imposing.  

“Can I come in so we can talk?” Alex asked, hoping the green eyed woman would finally open her mouth to say something.

“I, uh… yes… come in.” She moved aside so Alex could go inside the apartment. “This way.” Once she closed the door, she guided the woman to the living room. Alex sat down on the couch but Christen stayed up, a few feet away from her. “Can I get you something to drink?”

Alex shook her head no. “No, thank you. Can you please sit so we can talk?”

Christen nodded and sat down as well, as far as she could from Alex, still intimidated by the older woman’s presence. “W-What can I do for you?”

Alex smiled for a second, before saying: “I wanted to talk about Tobin.” She saw Christen getting tense and continued, “As you may know, we are not married anymore, we divorced half a year ago.” Christen just nodded and Alex kept talking. “Look Christen, I know this is gonna sound weird but… I made a mistake when I showed up at the coffee shop that day. I made you get out of her life, thinking it would save our marriage but out marriage was already dead, whether you were in her life or not.”

Alex made a pause to take a breath and looked into Christen’s eyes. “I thought we could fix things, you know? I thought you meant nothing to her, that it was just sex and nothing more but I was wrong. She loves you, Christen. Ever since you ended things with her, she’s been miserable. And I can’t help but feeling guilty for this, I should have just… let her go. I should have accepted that she didn’t want me anymore.”

She sighed, running a hand through her long hair, before finishing, “I’ve never seen her that bad, she’s literally slowly killing herself. She needs you, Christen. I don’t know what are your feelings for her, I don’t know if you feel the same; if you love her back; but please… could you at least talk to her? You’re the only one who can make her feel better.”

Christen couldn’t believe her ears. Was Alex asking her to go back to Tobin? After asking her to do the exact opposite? It was so surreal. And once again she was overwhelmed by how much Alex loved Tobin. There she was, swallowing up her pride for her, because she wanted Tobin to feel better; to be happy; even after everything Tobin did to her.

“I… I can’t… not after what I told her last time I saw her. You don’t understand…” Christen sighed, looking down at her lap. “I hurt her really bad, I… said things that… God.” Her hands were shaking and her heart was beating fast at the possibility of seeing Tobin again.

“Hey,” Alex leaned in and held her hand, a move that took Christen by surprise. “calm down.” She squeezed her hand softly, trying to get her to stop shaking. “She knows that I talked to you, she knows that you broke up with her because I basically asked you to. She won’t blame you for whatever you said, trust me, she’ll be too happy to see you to hold a grudge against you.” She said softly.

Christen couldn’t help but squeeze Alex’s hand back, feeling a hot tear running down her face. She felt so vulnerable at that moment, being comforted by the last person she expected. She wanted to see Tobin; God, she wanted it bad; but she was so afraid of Tobin’s reaction. While she didn’t doubt the older woman would be happy to see her, she wasn’t so sure about her not holding a grudge against her.

“I told her there was someone else… it wasn’t true but it broke her heart.”

Alex nodded, still holding her hand. “She might gets mad when you tell her the truth but she will understand. She will understand that you did this because you thought you were doing the right thing. Christen, you’re twenty… you’re allowed to make mistakes. If there’s someone to blame, that would be me.”

Christen wiped the tears off her face and shook her head. “You were just trying to save your marriage. I would have done the same.”

None of them said nothing for the next minute. Christen was more relaxed now but she didn’t let go of Alex’s hand and neither did Alex. Both needing the comforting touch the other was providing.

“Do you still love her?” Christen asked, breaking the silence.

“Yes.” Alex confessed. “Do you?”

“Yes.” Christen admitted.

Alex smiled sadly, nodding. “Then go after her and take the both of you out of your misery.”

After giving her hand one last friendly squeeze and a piece of paper with Tobin’s address, Alex stood up and made her way to the door. She felt good with herself, knowing she did the right thing but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt nevertheless.

“Alex,” Christen called before the older woman could leave and Alex turned around to face her. “Thank you.” She said softly.

Alex just smiled and nodded, holding back her tears as she left the apartment.

* * *

Three days later, Christen finally gathered the strength to go to Tobin’s place.

She pressed the doorbell and waited for Tobin to open the door, nervously playing with the hem of her shirt. She could hear her heart beating on her ear and her palms getting sweaty, while she tried to look relaxed on the outside. From what Alex told her, Tobin would need her to be strong.

She couldn’t believe she would finally see her after almost seven months. Did Tobin really still love her? Did she even want to see at all her after being shut down for so many months and so many times? Did she still want her?

The door opened slowly and Christen could have fainted at that moment at how fast her heart was pumping blood and how badly her legs were shaking. She would finally see _her_ Tobin again.

And then she saw her, through the half opened door. But the woman she saw didn’t look like the Tobin she used to know, at all. She had lost a lot of weight and the deep bags under her eyes let her know she haven’t had a good night of sleep in a very long time. Her hair, held up in a messy ponytail, looked grassy and her clothes weren’t any better. Her eyes looked… lifeless, and Christen couldn’t help but compare her to herself before Kelley helped her on her feet again.

“Tobin…” She said in her smallest voice, not sure about what to say.

“Christen?” The older woman asked, looking intensely at her. “Is that really you?” She looked at Christen like she couldn’t believe she was really there.

“Yes. Yes, it’s me.” She took a step forward and carefully reached for Tobin’s hand, afraid she would pull away.

But Tobin didn’t pull away. Quite the opposite, she pulled her in and hugged her tight. She held Christen and didn’t let go, afraid the younger woman would disappear at any moment. Almost afraid she was passed out on the floor and this was just a dream. She had so much whisky that evening, after all.

“Please, tell me this is not a dream, please.” She said in a desperate voice, kissing the top of Christen’s head over and over again.

“It’s not a dream, Tobin. I’m here. I’m here with you.” Christen closed her eyes, enjoying the hug despite the strong smell of whisky on Tobin’s breath and clothes.

“You’re here… you’re here. You came back to me.” Tobin sounded so happy that Christen didn’t want to spoil that moment and she let herself be held for a couple more minutes.

“Tobin…” She slowly pulled away so she could look at the taller woman. “Let’s go inside, ok?”

She closed the front door and they walked to the living room. It was full of empty cans of beer and liquor bottles as well as boxes of take away food. The sight pained her. She knew exactly what Tobin was going through, she had been there.

“Would you like to take a shower before so we can talk? I’ll make coffee, ok?”

Tobin looked like she wanted to refuse Christen’s offer, afraid she would leave while she was on the shower, so Christen assured her she would be waiting for her when she came back.

“Ok?” She asked again.

“Ok.” This time, Tobin did as she was told and went upstairs to take a shower.

Christen looked for a bag on the kitchen and then she filled it with all the beer cans and empty bottles and boxes. The house needed a cleaning but that would have to wait. After pulling out the trash, she made a strong coffee for Tobin and waited for her.

When Tobin came back, she looked a little better. Clean, at least. The shower must have sobered her up because she looked ashamed when she walked into the kitchen. She sat down, in front of Christen, and took a sip from her coffee.

“Thank you,” She said, looking down at the mug. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry you saw me like this.”

Christen slowly shook her head. “Don’t worry about that. I’m here to help you, so I don’t have to see you like this ever again.”

“Why?” Tobin looked up at her. “Why are you here?”

Christen bit her lip. “I know what you’re going through, Tobin. Trust me, I’ve been there. After I… broke up with you, I too tried to fill the hole it left in me with alcohol. I’ve been exactly where you are and if it wasn’t for Kelley, I’d probably still be there.”

Tobin frowned upon hearing this. “What about your girlfriend?”

Christen took a deep breath, playing with her cup. Here it was, the moment she feared the most. Would Tobin get too upset when she told her the truth? Would she make a hole in the wall like the one she did in her bedroom months ago? Would she tell her to leave and don’t come back? Christen couldn’t take it.

“There’s not any girlfriend, Tobin. There was never another girl. I… I just said that so you wouldn’t want to see me anymore.” She confessed and she could see how Tobin’s face changed. “I’m sorry, Tobin. I’m so sorry, I just… I thought I was doing the right thing. After seeing Alex and your daughter and… and she was so broken, I just… I didn’t want to be the one breaking a family.” She was so nervous, she could once again hear her heart on her ears and she couldn’t bring herself to face Tobin.

The older woman was silent. She didn’t look mad, just… sad. “I told you I loved you.” She said, after a while. “When I went to your house that night… I told you I loved you. God Christen… how could you lie to me about that? Do you have any idea how it broke my heart to think about you with someone else? To think I didn’t stand a chance?” A couple tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke. “I can understand your decision of ending things after what happened with Alex but… but why did you have to lie to me? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

“Because I was trying to get you to let me go so you could fix your marriage. I felt bad for Alex… and your daughter. Tobin, please, try to understand. I know I messed up but believe me, I suffered a hell of a lot as well. It was living hell to let you go, to stay strong on my decision…” By now, Christen was crying as well. “there wasn’t a single day I didn’t want to run to you and just tell you how sorry I was and how much I love you.”

Tobin opened her mouth a little in surprise. “You love me?”

Christen nodded. “Of course I do. I love so much, so much it hurts. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation, it was too much but… I’ve loved you since the beginning. And I still do. And I’m so sorry that things ended up like this.”

She was crying freely now and Tobin stood up and walked to her, holding her. Christen held her back, crying on her chest and clenching her fists around her shirt. Tobin smelled just like she remembered now and Christen didn’t want to let go. Ever.

“Shh, it’s ok.” Tobin cooed, kissing her head.

It wasn’t ok but she was there, in Tobin’s arms and for the first time in several months, she felt like it could be.

Tobin wasn’t going to keep blaming her. Christen did make a bad move but then again so did she and seeing the girl so broken, melt her heart instantly. She loved her so much, and she was there in her arms, she wasn’t going to spoil it all by opening old wounds.

“Christen, I love you.” She said softly. “I love you and I don’t want to talk about the past anymore. We both messed up, I understand your point and I want to leave it all behind. Please?”

Christen nodded slowly, still holding her. “I want that to.”

“Ok,” Tobin kissed the top of her head once again and pulled away just enough to look at her. “Will you stay?”

The younger woman sniffed and wiped away her tears, nodding her head. “I will. I’ll help you get through this. I love you, Tobin. You have no idea just how much I love you.”

Tobin smiled for the first time in months, a genuine smile that filled Christen’s heart with hope and love.

“Ok.”

They leaned in and their lips touched. It could barely be considered a kiss, it was just a gentle touch of their lips but it was enough to heal their hearts.


End file.
